United 3015

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The first thing I notice when examining my squad is that three of my best players are unhappy that the club has been relegated, and want to leave. Two of them, Naz Roberts (GK) and Ian Madeley (AMC) back down after I play hard-ball with them, threatening them with a season in the reserves (which is probably where they belong anyway). Ubar 4 0 1. But the third one, Lenny Hogg (DM) refuses to back down, and openly declares a rebellion against me – just days after I've taken the job.

United Airlines Flight 3015

If it's war you want, it's war you'll get Hogg.

I call a team meeting to discuss what this hoodlum wanted. Surprisingly, it went better than expected. Where at first eleven other players were unhappy with my treatment of Hogg, the number was whittled down to two. These guys actually had logical arguments to try and stop me from keeping a player at the club against his will.

But I am the dictator here, and I decide that Hogg stays.

Following this minor obstacle, I get my hands dirty with scheduling friendlies. I send out invitations to four Premier League clubs, and one Championship club. Only the Championship club, Bath, accepted. No matter. If the hallowed name of Manchester United does not draw respect from these clubs, they hardly deserve to play against it. I send out another round of friendly proposals to other clubs.

Four more proposals sent, only one more proposal accepted. No matter. Progress is progress. And with the state of the club this horrific, I'll take what I get for now. I send out another slew of friendly proposals, all to clubs with far better reputations than I have. Finally, I have 8 friendlies in the span of around a month.

I eagerly await the first friendly, against Bath, as it will be the first time I will get to see my squad in action and it will allow me to better develop my tactics. Even then, I need to take charge of the squad composition immediately, because it is absolutely shambolic.

A perusal of the squad on paper reveals that this squad is as skilled at football as kindergarteners are at colouring within the lines. Seeking preemptive action, I send in bids for sixteen players of varying value. Every single bid is accepted. But not one player wants to join us cretins at Manchester United. This is far, far worse than I thought. Even if the friendlies exposes fragilities in the squad (which they will), I have practically no way to fix it. What's the point of having £1.8 million in the bank when there's no reputation to spend it with?

I am properly confused. Just what has Manchester United done in the past millennia? Their reputation has dropped to a level below even what a cockroach can achieve. It's as if in the thousand years I have been slumbering, Manchester United have begun to randomly select players for ritual sacrifices, and as a result players now avoid the stadium like the plague. At least the damned cockroaches can survive a nuclear fallout – something which the club will not (and definitely has not) come out for the better of. Perhaps I really should sacrifice those (virtual) goats.

I attempt loan deals. It does not help. Where half of the clubs refuse to let their players go out on loan to such a lowly club, the others who agree have their players refuse to play for such a lowly club. There is, quite frankly, no winning here – neither off the field, and I presume neither on it. By myself, I am getting absolutely nowhere.

Thankfully, some help arrives in the form of my new scout Lewis Young (looks like the goat sacrifice did help a little). He recommends a pretty decent striker – and a rubbish defender – but the best part is… both are free and willing to talk. I submit my contract offer for Barton and wait rather impatiently. At this rate, we are hardly in any position to even get a mid-table finish, much less reach the playoffs.

United 3015

By this point I have made 37 offers – loan and transfers combined – and only one player has seen it fit to talk to me. The rest of the 36 have decided they'd rather rot in the dumpster on the street rather than play for Manchester United. It just keeps getting better and better.

The next day, Barton signs for the club. My first signing, at long last. Let's have a look at him.

Broad needs an incredible amount of work to transform him into anything that even resembles a good striker, but he's already leagues ahead of my current options. While his signing is encouraging, I'll need much more to do anything good with this club at all – or more importantly, avoid being fired at the end of my very first season.

The media peppers me with questions regarding Barton's signing, with one BBC reporter having the nerve to call this a 'coup'. A quick assertive reply disabused the naive young fool of the notion that this club was below the skill-set of such players (but secretly I agree wholeheartedly with him – thank the Lord for Barton).

As I mull over the bleak prospects, I receive another glimmer of hope. Patrick Young, an energetic left-back from Braintree, has agreed to a season-long loan.

Just like Barton, Young too is not going to set the Conference alight, but he is a decent step up from the incumbents and will serve me well during his loan for the club. There is an even greater amount of work to be done here though, and I cannot do it in this season. He isn't entirely free either – I have to pay 100% of his wages, as well as a £15,000 loan fee. Nevertheless, his tackling and marking are better than any other left-back I have at the club, so he comes in.

Soon, my other new scout joins the club and also offers one neanderthal and one decent center-back named Adam Whyman. I snap him up on a free.

Whyman is a genuinely good signing if you stay away from a possession or quick-passing football style – and that's fine for the foreseeable future as I'll have to avoid implementing those tactics to get these monkeys to resemble anything like a team anyway. He's going to be great for corners, marking players and a decent tackler. His strength is also an added bonus.

These are all the signings I make until the Bath friendly rolls around. Now, Bath are a club three leagues above us – and I fully expected a goal galore. I was wrong.

Where I was expecting the floodgates to open when Bath scored in the 12th minute, it never came. We did concede another goal before half-time, but strong words in the dressing room sorted things out really well.

In the second half, we pulled our possession up to 45%, and did not concede any more goals. Our overall match performance improved greatly, and we finished with the same shots on target as Bath, and a stellar 67% on-target ratio. Barton played well, but without the proper service, he could not do much.

The match gave me many preliminary conclusions about this United.

United 3015

By this point I have made 37 offers – loan and transfers combined – and only one player has seen it fit to talk to me. The rest of the 36 have decided they'd rather rot in the dumpster on the street rather than play for Manchester United. It just keeps getting better and better.

The next day, Barton signs for the club. My first signing, at long last. Let's have a look at him.

Broad needs an incredible amount of work to transform him into anything that even resembles a good striker, but he's already leagues ahead of my current options. While his signing is encouraging, I'll need much more to do anything good with this club at all – or more importantly, avoid being fired at the end of my very first season.

The media peppers me with questions regarding Barton's signing, with one BBC reporter having the nerve to call this a 'coup'. A quick assertive reply disabused the naive young fool of the notion that this club was below the skill-set of such players (but secretly I agree wholeheartedly with him – thank the Lord for Barton).

As I mull over the bleak prospects, I receive another glimmer of hope. Patrick Young, an energetic left-back from Braintree, has agreed to a season-long loan.

Just like Barton, Young too is not going to set the Conference alight, but he is a decent step up from the incumbents and will serve me well during his loan for the club. There is an even greater amount of work to be done here though, and I cannot do it in this season. He isn't entirely free either – I have to pay 100% of his wages, as well as a £15,000 loan fee. Nevertheless, his tackling and marking are better than any other left-back I have at the club, so he comes in.

Soon, my other new scout joins the club and also offers one neanderthal and one decent center-back named Adam Whyman. I snap him up on a free.

Whyman is a genuinely good signing if you stay away from a possession or quick-passing football style – and that's fine for the foreseeable future as I'll have to avoid implementing those tactics to get these monkeys to resemble anything like a team anyway. He's going to be great for corners, marking players and a decent tackler. His strength is also an added bonus.

These are all the signings I make until the Bath friendly rolls around. Now, Bath are a club three leagues above us – and I fully expected a goal galore. I was wrong.

Where I was expecting the floodgates to open when Bath scored in the 12th minute, it never came. We did concede another goal before half-time, but strong words in the dressing room sorted things out really well.

In the second half, we pulled our possession up to 45%, and did not concede any more goals. Our overall match performance improved greatly, and we finished with the same shots on target as Bath, and a stellar 67% on-target ratio. Barton played well, but without the proper service, he could not do much.

The match gave me many preliminary conclusions about this United.

1. We actually have a better defence than it seems on paper that needs proper motivation, but better options are still necessary
2. The striking options are great – but need far better service
3. The wingers are utterly inept – a narrow formation will be required if good wingers cannot be signed
4. Our midfield is too easily overrun – there is a need for a more commanding presence there
5. The midfield also needs a better passer to improve the link-up play which was lacking

All-in-all, this was a fruitful week for the team. We got three useful signings, replenished our staff to full-strength, and got our first taste of game time under my leadership.

Now the hard work starts. Let the games begin.